Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Tale of the Last Few Days

I am about to take you on a journey. It is filled with adventure, foul language, and piles upon piles of bullshit. Abandon hope, all ye who choose to read further... submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, this is "The Tale of the Last Few Days" (you'll get that reference if you're over the age of 19 or under the age of 40)

It began on Monday evening when I was on my way to class. I turned a corner and suddenly my car wouldn't accelerate... at all. it was still running perfectly but it wouldn't move. I proceeded to push it into the parking lot of a nearby Quality Dairy (incidentally pushing a car up hill is difficult).

After having it towed to the Firestone in west Lansing we had to leave it over night because they were about to close. Now it is important to note that Loren, the people at Firestone, the guy driving the tow truck, and myself ALL knew that the likelihood of it being the transmission was almost absolute. We also all knew that transmissions cost thousands of dollars to repair.

I called off work for the following day because I had no way of getting there and went home. Upon arriving home I got more drunk than I ever have in my entire life. I drank two beers and when I could still remember that my car was broken, I drank almost an entire bottle of Jack Daniels. This happened in the course of about 10 minutes and caused me to pass out relatively shortly afterward.

I woke up the next day, hungover, and my car was still broken. Mission not accomplished. Let it be known that I am AWARE that drinking your problems away is bad, so please don't lecture me, I KNOW. Moving on... we found out from Firestone that it WAS indeed probably the transmission but since Firestone does not do transmissions we had to tow it to a dealership. That dealership was Hyundai of Lansing. They informed us that it was definitely the transmission and it would be SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS to replace... my first thought was one of regret that I was now out of Jack Daniels.

Needless to say we opted NOT to spend six grand fixing a car that is worth three grand tops. We did have to pay Hyundai of Lansing a 50 dollar "go fuck yourself" fee in order for them to look at it and tell us it was broken, though. It was going to be a $100 "go fuck yourself" fee but honest blokes that they are, it only took a half an hour rather than a full hour to ascertain that it was indeed broken.

After calling around and getting our ducks in a row, though, we have found out that, apparently, the VTi transmission in the Saturn ION is a piece of shit. They know it's a piece of shit, we know that it's a piece of shit, and they got sued for selling pieces of shit. As per the "shit suit" settlement, they (Saturn) will either A) pay for half of the repair of B) give us five grand toward the purchase of a brand new car.

We have decided to go with option B and get a brand new car. We're going to buy a Cobalt, and using current discounts and incentives we should be able to get it for around 8 grand. The 5 grand from Saturn will serve to wipe out the debt we currently still owe on the dead car. With a co-signer, we will end up paying about what we are paying now in car payments.

In the mean time I have rented a car from Enterprise. Now, you see, what enterprise has done to us is bend us over a table and anally violate us over and over and over and over and over. First of all we booked a rental on their website for about 42 dollars a day plus 14 dollars extra for being irresponsible children under the age of 25. This seemed reasonable, roughly 55 bucks a day for a rental didn't seem bad. When I got to Enterprise, though, I was informed that we would need to pay 14 dollars PER driver, so 14 for both me AND Loren, making it about 70 bucks a day. ON TOP OF THIS they needed a 400 dollar deposit that their site failed to mention in our receipt. To top it all off they had to call the dealership that my dead car is at to make sure that it was definitely broken and I have no fucking clue why... it seemed really invasive and really stupid.

On top of this we had to pay $80 to have the dead car towed from Hyundai of Lansing to a "Saturn authorized" dealership because, as it turns out, out super special "RV Plus" AAA membership with 100 miles of FREE towing only covers "one tow per breakdown".

Additionally my best friend Michael isn't speaking to be because I drunk dialed him when I was hammered and when he called the next day to make sure I was all right I was either a prick or dodged his calls and texts entirely. To be honest I'm sort of with him on this one, it was a dick move on my part.

In summation; fuck you Saturn, fuck you Enterprise, fuck you AAA, fuck you Hyundai of Lansing, and most importantly FUCK YOU GOD!

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